Weird Beard

I have a boyfriend.

I call him Weird Beard.

Yes, my husband knows.

Actually, this particular admirer is suffering from an unrequited love for me. (I warned you all that I am vain!!!) He is this FREAK ON A LEASH that my work hired four months ago. He is more than twice my age and becomes fanatical about anything that catches his interest: a PAC-10 football team, the local minor league baseball team, and me.

I made the mistake of being nice to him when he started where we work. You can not be nice to these types of people. I had covered his job in the interim of hiring for his position. I helped train him when he began. I gave him tips on who not to talk to, who he could trust and engaged in football banter.

Big mistake. Huge. It had been 2 months, and he had become increasingly annoying/obsessive. After realizing he was giving me just a bit too much attention, and dealing with sarcastic “when did you two start dating” comments from my co-workers, I started my hasty retreat.

Another big mistake. Even bigger this time due to the fact that when someone is obsessed, and feel the object they covet slipping away, they grasp tighter. It has become a sort of dodging game now.

Let me lay it out for you:
1) He has no reason to come to my end of the building but does so routinely through out the day. So much so that I have his footfall memorized and run when I hear the decent of his distinct cadence approaching. In fact, he just made his 3rd trip by and it is only about 10 AM.

2) He speaks in a loud voice and asks why we aren’t “bonding” anymore. He whines that I have become distant and cold. Stop laughing, I am not joking.

3) My network of spies (co-workers whom I adore) calls me when they see him coming. If they know I cannot get out in time, one of the guys usually comes to interrupt him with “vital” work for me.

4) When he does trap me in my cubicle, he stands very close. Close enough that sometimes I can feel his breath on the back of my neck when he sneaks up on me.

5) About a month ago I wore a nicer than normal outfit to work, substituting the normal slacks and sweater for a nice skirt. Old WB stopped in the middle of what he was saying, looked me up and down and told me I was “breathtaking”.

6) He leaves me notes on my desk and once a week has me cover for him when he travels to one of our out of town vendors. He is not in my department, and yes, there are much more relevant employees who could do this for him. He just enjoys the opportunity of interacting with me in a situation where I cannot run away

7) He has taken to hiding around corners and catching me off guard. No, I am not exaggerating.

So, you see, my dear reader, that Weird Beard is not only a bit smitten, but also very creepy. I have since spent the last two months being as rude as I can to him in an office setting. Neither one of us has our own office where I could close the door and tell him to “BACK THE FUCK OFF” privately, and I refuse to get HR involved in something I feel that I should be able to handle myself. I may crack someday soon, and go off on him in front of everyone.

Shit, there he goes again.